Don't do it!

Old post in draft mode found!
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No, no, no!

There are some things that you just cannot say or do to the people you are dating. Or in a relationship with. All of us have some time or the other made the mistake of saying some of these things that end up scarring the other person so much that they just stop looking at you the way they used to. The first few times, we are novices and probably don't know any better. But why doesn't wisdom catch up with us? I've done it and all of my friends have done it. And in most cases screwed up what we had. The difference in the other cases was probably that the other party was more forgiving than the average Joe (or Jane). What are we doing wrong, you ask? Here's a brief compilation.

Tips for the gents:

1. So you've had a fight. Don't, fuckin don't, ever, ever, call her a bitch or a whore! She may not end it right there, but its a start of a downward spiral of lack of respect that will only take therapy to go upward!
2. "Look at you! You're getting a paunch!". This sentence is even worse when the man himself has a paunch but thinks you're the one who should be losing weight anyway. Wouldn't it be better if you said, "I think we should join a gym." It's good for both of you anyway.
3. This usually applies to the ladies, but I don't think even men should be asking women how much they make. I have been asked this question multiple times and I feel like this information is too personal for me to tell just anybody. Even a lot of my friends don't know how much I make, so why should I be telling you?
4. Please have an opinion. Well, not necessarily on everything, but on important things in your life or in the world. Be aware. A woman instinctively wants to mate with the alpha male. "I don't know" said enough number of times is sure to make a woman lose interest.

Tips for the ladies:

1. "That guy has the best sense of humor ever!". Sure we all want to be honest in our relationships. But lets face it, in most studies performed on what women like in men, sense of humor was in the top 5. Men are aware of this and WILL take it as competition. This definitely does not mean that he's gonna let you go for this, but it's really bad for his ego. And unless you have a good plan for why you wanna make him feel jealous, I say stay away from this one.
2. Don't ever tell the man he's not rich! If you feel that way, please leave him and tell him that was the reason. But if you want to be with the man, that's just stepping on his toes with a stiletto!
3. On the first few dates (unless this is an arranged marriage), please don't ask the man how much he makes. Even if he makes a lot, it tends to feel like you're only doing this for his money and are not capable enough of making your own.

Disclaimer: This list is by no means a reflection of everybody's opinion. But I think it's a fair representation of a particular demographic - that of the 25-30 yr old, upper middle class family, with a higher than average income for their age, who has dated or had a relationship at least once in life!

Do you know what is expected of you?

Ok this has been pending for far too long. Many months back, I took a survey with a lot of anonymously willing participants about what they expect from dating and relationships. Questions involved items that put people off in the short as well as long term and how they reacted to cheating.

And....(drum roll)........here are the results!!!
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Q: What do u think a man/woman should not tell/ask/do on the first 3 dates?

50% of men surveyed did not want their salary or wealth to be discussed while they've just started dating a woman.
58% of men did not want women to talk about anybody's exes on the first 3 dates.

For the women, results were varied, with a mix of no naughty language, no talking about exes, no showing off, not being rude, etc. Surprisingly, only one woman did not want to talk about her age and another surprising 43% did not want to talk about their salary / wealth either!

(Btw...hence proved, men are predictable and women are complicated!)
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So when asked what people had learned from their past dating experiences, the men were obviously all around the place!

Q: What have u learnt from ur past dates....what should u avoid saying to the girl/guy?


Interesting answers from the men were:

• Do not give advice
• Do not say I love you
• Do not ask for marriage (!!!!)
• Do not compare her with others
• Do not give her professional criticism
• Avoid tactless jokes
• Do not talk to her about something she is not interested in

My favourite response, though, has to be one that was given to me by 2 guys - DO NOT get her drunk!!! Haha. I see that some people have had problems with drunk dates quite a bit!

Women on the other hand, knew exactly what men did not want to hear in the first three dates. Almost everybody knew that talking about salary and exes was a big no-no!
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Q: What do u think your man/woman should not do ever in the relationship?

42% men did not want their women to compare them with other men, while other popular answers were no hurting ego, no lying and no demeaning friends and family.

For women, the expectations of what a long term partner should not do were exactly the opposite. All participants but one did not want their partner to physically or verbally abuse them. So no belittling, hitting or being rude. Simple! Everything else can be dealt with.
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Q: Is cheating once ok? Provided he/she is truly apologetic later?

This was really interesting. 92% of all men said that their partner cheating was absolutely not okay. This, compared to only 57% of women saying the same thing. After a lot of prodding, 25% men said they would forgive their woman if she was truly apologetic (and other best case scenarios). Which meant a change of mind for 17% men. For women, the number didn't change much.


ANALYSIS!!

Honestly, I don't know how men and women live with each other with such a difference in expectations. While women have a multitude of no-nos while they are choosing a man, once they have committed to a relationship, there's not much that will break it for them. However, for men it's the other way round. While they have very low expectations from a woman they are dating, they want a lot from the woman they are looking at from a long term perspective.

Of course, this study is limited by scope. All survey participants were urban men and women between 25 to 28 years of age, earning approximately between 5 to 15 lakhs a year.

The glory of first dates

How difficult is it to find a date in Bombay? All the men worth dating are either busy, married or gay. And I'm not being clichéd here; I recently met a really funny guy who was gay! So how do you find a decent person to date in this city?

LOSING NUMBERS

The day I was leaving for Goa, somebody called out to me on the road while I was walking to the ATM in my area before catching my flight. As I turned to the stranger, he explained to me how he had seen me around a few times and thought I was cute. He had a dog (big plus!) and wanted to meet up sometime. Being in the happy Goa spirit, I kept smiling and taking in the appreciation. After I took his number and refused to give mine, I saw that the guy had a feeling that I wouldn't call. But I filled in a reminder on my cell phone to call him a day after I was back from vacation. As luck would have it, my phone conked off in the Goa sea and I lost the guy's number. There goes a date in a city where dates are few and far in between.

And even in Goa, I met a nice guy staying in Bombay. In Powai, in fact! So close to my home. And I'd made a mental note to call him when back. He was really interesting and funny and we had such similar interests. But poof! Cell phone drowned, number gone!

Also, have you noticed that a lot more people are interested in you when you already have someone in your life? Whenever I have a boyfriend, men are showing interest. I've even heard statements from my friends saying, "Oh remember my friend XYZ? He was really into you! But he asked me if you had a boyfriend and I said yes. So he was like 'too bad'. I would have set you up with him, but now he's seeing someone." The 'seeing someone' part is easily replaceable by 'left the country', 'left the city', 'married', or 'gay'. Sigh.

I don't know what constitutes a blind date. When I was younger and the internet was newer, I met boys (yes, we were girls and boys then) online and went out with a couple of guys who I found interesting. And yeah, yeah, I met them in the afternoon in a public place so there was no weird stuff coming at me. But are these considered blind dates? Coz I have seen their pictures. On the other hand, I have been out with a total stranger - never seen what he looks like even - set up by one of my friends. I guess we can call them Type 1 and Type 2 Blind Dates! Let's make it sound medical!

TYPE 1 BLIND DATE

Pictures can lie. Well no, let me rephrase. Pictures give you half truths. One guy had ugly yellow teeth. Pictures can very cleverly hide them. But when you meet in person, yech!

Also gets you to thinking on morality and whether you are a nice person or not. A Type 1 Blind Date once led a friend to a coffee shop to see the cute girl he'd been looking forward to meet. When he entered the cafe, there she was, cute as ever. But something looked funny. He noticed that her arms were short and her fingers were tiny. It took him a few seconds to realize that she was a small person. Now my friend is 5'11" and this woman was all of 3 feet. It took a quick coffee and a speedy walking her back home for the date to be the last date. My friend still feels bad about what he did, but I wonder how many people would have been able to deal with dating a small person.

TYPE 2 BLIND DATE

It takes a lot for this type of blind date to work. The odds are working against you. The man I went out with went rambling about how his job sucked, his MBA degree sucked, and I felt like a shrink out there listening to his problems. I'm sure he didn't like me either, to give him some acknowledgment. But it was by far the worst date I've been on. Only solace was that the coffee was nice and paid for.

Now I've been talking to a few of my guy friends and I see a scary pattern emerging among Bombay girls. Women, what's with the panties with holes? A plain cotton panty will not even cost you that much! Just like expecting a guy without body odour or smelly socks, the guys expect you to have panties without holes. It's not much they're asking for now, are they? The experiences range from seeing the holes when the woman squatted down to look at a book on the lower rung at a book store to seeing the hole staring back at the man in the bedroom! If I may quote one friend, he actually said he felt like he was "humping a beggar"! I wished these were not women from Bombay, but I was in for a rude shock. Ladies please, if you have a hole in your panty, it better be because you're wearing a crotchless one!

MONEY AND WEIGHT

On a first date, it is extremely rude to ask a man about how much money he makes and a woman how much she weighs. Most of my friends are below 30, so the age factor doesn't apply yet. But you are NOT gonna get any more dates if you are already calculating the man's bank balance or deciding whether you can lift the woman up. You may as well just say you have something urgent to do and leave. It's more polite and you don't have to see the person again. One woman once asked my friend (1) if he had a car; and (2) if the car had power windows!

SEX

And then there is the first time that you have sex with your date. The stories here are countless and because I want to use discretion with my and my friends' experiences, we'll just skim through this. Apart from not having holes in your underpants, it'd also be a good idea to avoid being smelly down under! A big problem many women face is dealing with a small...ahem...willy. It's like the small woman my friend dated. You feel like a horrible person for being bothered by it, but if it doesn't work for you, there can never be a happy relationship coming out of it. With men, it's fairly simple. You get what you see. With women, you don't know what you're getting into. Or what's getting into you!

And with stories like these, you can imagine, getting motivated enough for that first date is a little difficult. Coupled with the fact that it is easier to get into hell than to find a good date in this city, being single sometimes means that you'd rather spend time with your friends, their significant others, acquaintances and exes. Until you stumble upon the person you really wanna go out with. Provided you don't lose their number!